I arrived at summit with this HUGE secret in me. No one but my upline and my Success partner knew I was planning on submitting my cancellation request on Sunday while waiting for my flight. I felt like a phony. I felt like an liar. I felt like I didn’t fit in, like everyone else was a part of this secret club, but I wasn’t drinking the juice anymore.
I went through the first few days, enjoying seeing New Orleans, and meeting these woman I had only ever seen online before. But something wasn’t clicking. And then opening ceremonies on Thursday I was hit with 2 anxiety attacks within a few hours. The crowds, and unknown, and stress of losing the team and getting separated hit me hard. I found myself in a tunnel in the Superdome, calling a friend and melting down in front of the workers in the Superdome. I wanted to go home.
Why was I even here if I was quitting? Why did I even come? I managed to find an empty space in the Superdome several stories up and sat for a bit before getting an UBER home to the house we were staying in. I went to bed early that night but was up incredibly early for Shaun T’s workout to try and get as close to the front as we could. If you don’t follow me on Facebook- you can check out his closing speech here.
I cried so many times during that workout. Something started to come undone there, maybe it was the lack of sleep, or being surrounded by people laying it ALL out on that concrete floor during the workout, but something was telling me to listen.
Fast forward to our general session (aka lots of speakers who are meant to motivate and inspire you about the business)- but the thing was, they weren’t talking about Beachbody, they were talking about ME. Words that I had spoken to my husband, my success partner, my FRIENDS, and my TEAM were coming out of there mouths- it was too much to be coincidence. It was too much to just “happen”. These were my words of doubt, limiting belief, stress, anxiety, etc coming out of there mouths.
It was like I could FEEL God telling me “stop shutting me out, I’m trying to show you something”.
After the general session we had workshops where even more presenters were voicing MY concerns, my doubts, my dislike of the business. It was too much to take in. How did they KNOW? How did they know my exact words? How was it that things that I had said to people word for word were coming out of their mouths?
That evening we had a team dinner, and the focus was to toast people on our team, I found myself crying (which I cannot stand doing in public), I was crying so much I couldn’t stop. I was pouring my heart out to my team for putting walls up, and for pushing me and believing me, for letting me see that I was wrong. I was so wrong. I was literally sobbing like a crazy person at our dinner table.
I felt God finally break down my last piece of my wall during that dinner. The next day our speakers talked about paving your own path, even when corporate and your upline don’t agree. We got to hear from Chalene Johnson and Darren Hardy- and their words built me up. But I still felt lost. How exactly do I do Postpartum Mentoring AND Beachbody, how the heck am I going to mold them together.
So I sat down with my upline and my success partner and I poured my heart out. I told them I couldn’t leave. Leaving didn’t make sense, but neither did staying and that I was lost in this moment. And their words of focus on ME and show that to our team, I’ll find my way. I need to be okay with not having all the answers right now. I need to be okay with being lost, but I can still show up every day and do the things I need to do.
While this is a huge cliff notes version of my last few weeks, I hope you see where my heart is in all of this- and why I was so wrong to think I would be leaving Beachbody. I’m here to stay, I don’t know WHAT it looks like, but I am going to be here fighting to figure it out.