My daughter went off to preschool a few weeks ago. While we feel this was a necessity for her based on her personality, I found myself conflicted. She’s only gone for three hours a day, but now she’s back to a semi regular nap schedule so really I’m getting almost 5-6 hours of time “alone” now. I knew as the school year was approaching I needed to focus more on my business and growing my revenue, but I also knew I needed some time just for me. I was super conflicted with the balance.
How much time do I spend on my business?
How much time do I spend on myself?
Do I do housework during this time?
Do I run errands to lessen the burden on my husband?
There was so much to consider. I needed to be logical but also leave room for adjustments. I gave myself a week to get adjusted and a feel for the time that I was given, in order to properly prepare my schedule for this new adventure/alone time. But when I walked in the door after that first day of preschool all I could think about was silence.
The house was so quiet. It was peaceful, but there was no noise. Sure I could have turned on the radio, or even the TV, but I was missing more than just the background noise. I was missing the noise that fills our home with our daughter around. I missed the interruptions, the loud clanking in her room as she played with toys, the opening and shutting of doors, chairs scratching the floor, the trash can opening every time she walked past. I missed the sighs, laughs, the frustrated tempers that emerge throughout the day.
I found myself trying to avoid the silence. It was almost a painful thing. Being left in such a quiet state, my mind started to wander and I thought about everything I typically don’t have the head space for when our daughter is around. Being left alone with your own thoughts can truly be unnerving. As I struggled to remain in the silence, I found the root of my discomfort.
The last time I had been left alone like this, with this type of quiet, was when I was struggling with postpartum. It hit me like a wave. I was instantly thrown back to those days where I would drop my daughter off at her daycare and lay on the couch and just eat cookies. I would be alone with my thoughts and I would think about all those things mothers don’t want to admit out-loud:
What if I just didn’t pick her up from daycare?
Does she really have to come home?
I don’t want to do this anymore
The difference is, that I’m in an entirely different head state than I was nearly 3.5 years ago. I’m mentally better, emotionally more stable, and I know better than to breathe truth into those lies. After all, they are just thoughts. I can choose to give life to them or let them pass like a billboard on the highway.
3 Years ago I would have filled my days with things to distract myself from my own thoughts, to not allow myself to think things good or bad. Now, I welcome the thoughts, they are little keys to my heart and soul, they allow me to dive deeper into my own being so that I can truly heal and become better.
My challenge to you, is to sit in the silence, and if you’re struggling, write. Write down all the things. Write down what you feel, what you think, get it all out my dear. There is healing with silence. You will discover things about yourself that you had forgotten over the years, and learn new things about the woman you are growing into being.
This concept of sitting in silence is something I truly have learned to look forward to each day. Are you struggling with your mindset? check out my free download on the 7 lies I told myself in the height of my PPD and how I used positive affirmations to change my thought process.